shyammonk

feedburner sign up captcha : words like ‘ADIUMBLE’ – they kick my creativity genes in the right places. Reminds me of the big wide blue world of the smoked cow.
Absurd gives space. Somewhat like unlimited space from mail servers and hosts these days – not a big chunk of visible space, but when you have the absurd threads, with the freedom of theirs to twist and turn without rules because of their basic absurd identity.
Love it.

She did not help me. Neither did he, though he could have so easily done that.
Really? So?
I give them loving kindness, for being here, and move on.
I get ‘helped’ one way or the other.
Really it looks like there is no shortage for roads. And each time the road is not straight, it just means there is a turn, a fork or open ground or beautiful forest!

After i make each thing, i always sprinkle a powder over it. Always…

The powder tastes like 'it was not good enough' "not finished it" 'they will do it better' 'have to be someone else'.

The bail powder.

Guarantees constant dissatisfaction. Always…

solution : started spending more time with the mirror. learnt from the tortoise to go in and look down the tower.

Paraphrasing Ajahn Chah :

"Mind be clear at all times. Thoughts and other mental constructs be like animals visiting a Forest pond. The animals come to drink water and one just stays watching. Furry and dark, Long and slimy, Weird and strange, beautiful and wonderful animals. Let them."

This imagery has helped me come back to perspective. How this sort of a relaxed unbounded state is true, possible, can be chosen and recommended as good by a great master.

What animal – not too keen. Where or how of the animal – such a question is another animal by itself.

Thank you Master.

A Still Forest Pool: The Insight Meditation of Achaan Chah (Quest Book)

The flickering animal.

The space of the flickering animal.

The child hated his companion – bully, irritated, reasonless, random, agitated, reactive – but he was all that the child could feel, was familiar with. The child clung to him, gripping to look back at the world around. The world – scarier and much difficult to find the threads to start solving to make any comfort out of.

Too focused on the flickering. Trying to be in the unpleasant safety of the flickering space. An unnecessary focus.

Then the view got wider, the animal and the space is seen along with more of what is around, where one is, more of reality, context.

Patterns of the Hypnotic Techniques of Milton H. Erickson, M.D, Vol. 1 describes a concert pianist who fainted at the steps at the stage while about to perform his first public concert. He did not try for ten years since he was sure he would faint and look ridiculous again. Milton asked him to spread towels of different colors and patterns on the stage floor, from the steps till the piano stool, on the stool, and the piano. Once at the steps, he had to decide on which towel to faint. Since the criteria to decide where to faint was a new one for his mind, he could not come to a conclusion, got till the seat, sat and got to finally play the piano without fainting. He was a good pianist and so his performance went well.

'Sit still. Sit still and be aware of the tension in the body. Where is it tensed, how does it feel, let the tension build – not intent on avoiding it or relaxing it.'

When i first read about sitting still and body awareness, i remembered what Milton Erickson did to the concert pianist. It will be reductionism to think that sitting still and mapping is only about new criteria introduced when mapping the tension, taking away the mind from wandering here and there. But looks like that is definitely a relevant part of the change – mapping on the body, seeing where the tension is, the intent is taken away from engaging in the fear and mind getting into the usual swirl as is the usual practiced behaviour.

Mapping the tension on the body keeps the unpleasantness life size. Magnifications from the childhood, stored defenses, all are understood to be in here, not out there.

Over the phone I asked her thrice the same question and pushed for the answer she had already confirmed. "Oh my god !" she exclaimed. i realized i was acting anxious and tensed and pushy, just blurting out – i confessed i was tensed because … (reason).

Then started the well known depressive, i am not good feeling which basically sounds like "see i irritated her. i should be able to be calm. she hates me now. however i practice, i am abnormal. after all, i have been obnoxious, irritable, irritating, anxious, tensed, tension making,  for such a long time that i should be stupid to believe i will or can change. i am awkward, never going to get better" No hope in life

Magnification The whole situation can be brought down to life size. For many weeks now i have kept my cool and the change has been on a basic level where i have enough space to remember to be pleasant and the body has been calmer. Maybe it is not that bad a situation. Maybe i did not act that bad. I did not shout or get angry.

Mind reading I am jumping to conclusions about what she thinks. it may not be so magnified in her mind. she may not hate me

All or nothing thinking In many weeks, it is just this once that i got a little pushy. I have made a good change and become much more pleasant and caring in relations. Imperfection is fine. i am imperfect but that need not let me make myself feel bad.

Disqualifying the positive i have changed in the last four months visibly and at a stable level. One instance does not disqualify the whole positive change which is continuing.

Over generalization That i am awkward, irritable etc. Many know me as a pleasant person, nice to be with, kind, honest, understanding and stable.

Fortune teller error I will never improve is not true. I have already improved and i will improve further. "i am not unlucky nor stuck!" I can learn and i have control over how I respond – the space to take decisions is getting better.

Labeling I am obnoxious, irritable, awkward, x… a… ab… I am none of them.

Should statements "I should be calm…" Should statements result in guilt, anger towards oneself, frustration, resentment. Of no use!

The distortions are from a list in the book Feeling Good by Dr.David Burns. It really does help when one decides to note what thought precedes each depressive feeling and search for the relevant distortions and talk back. Slowly, just finding the distortions itself seems to bring relief.

Looks like i just need a reason to let go of the depression causing routines of my mind. Giving them names from the distortion list, distortion being accepted as something that i am alright without, and the process of using the distortion list showing my intention to get over with the routines, my reasoning mind now has a reason why the other is let gone…

Thought layers :

1. That action or result won't bring me happiness
2. I should not be thinking of getting happiness from external things or completing projects or shipping products or getting good results because it is not permanent, and the state is something i bring about or have within irrespective of the external
3. Even if i do get happiness and satisfaction, what is the use when death comes and things all change?

Responses :

1. David Burns tells depressed minds to keep a note of activities. Note down activity and guess their happiness bringing potential. Then record the satisfaction or happiness after the action is done. Most of the time, one just has to start doing something and it will bring satisfaction and happiness contrary to what habitual depressed thoughts and patterns of the mind would make us believe. Procrastination of a depressed mind is countered best by just doing something. The exercise of checking if real happiness from the action was as guessed before in fact gives a glimpse into the needlessness to give too much heed to the depressed mind.
2. This can just be let gone. No big deal. Breathe. Coming back to the physical action of breathing. It is just a need for the logical mind to be engaged and not let go of its anxiety and attachment to the thought of impending doom.
3. One can come to terms with death of this person.

This whole thought process has been supportive to why one should go ahead and do things while just checking that the basic satisfaction bringers like being good to others and the self, having good relations etc are taken care of. When we are trying to convince a side of an argument, that side is anyway the one we should go with. So even if we are not convinced at all times about how we can and should and are free to go ahead and keep busy with what interests us in the world, we can remember that we would like to do it.

These days point number 3 occurs clearer to me. Anyway death will give permanent rest to body and mind. Till then let me run. Buddha said life is precious. When i thought life is meaningless, i did not really think Buddha meant what he said. Now in a very weird way it is starting to make sense.

We will rest when we are dead; till then let us run.

“Silence today…” his wife noted, smiling, as he walked into the house. She relaxed a bit, feeling the builder calm than usual.

It was a usual day for the builder, other than for the orange envelope that appeared on his table in the afternoon. Inside the envelope, an orange paper carried the words of a 52 year old woman who had passed away a week ago. Her son brought in the letter, as he was instructed by his mother before she died.

The woman lived on the fourth floor of an apartment. Alone most of the time, with a part time servant to help her and be with her at night. At times she came out slowly to her balcony to lie down on her arm chair. From there she could see the orange building with blue and green colored window sills.

According to her, that building made her life colorful. Reminded her of happy things past. Her childhood. Her father who made her happy, though her mother had died early. When she wore her lacy pinkish white frock and hairband. How she had a nice teaching job as she grew up. How she used to bring food for three students who needed it without anyone knowing about it. How she felt alright and fine, looking at the orange building. And how she was now just ready to accept the change called death; almost curious to have the experience.

The orange building was her friend during her last days and she wanted to thank its builder.

The builder put his little girl to bed and kissed her on her eyes. He felt hands, her ankle, her little toes. Tonight it felt close and real than usual. Tomorrow, he would remember to get his wife the information for the new course she asked about, about a week before. Also, he would inquire about how he could help breast cancer patients.

As for the letter, he kept it in his wallet, not to be removed, till years later, when he showed it to her daughter, as she was about to leave to Vienna for her first performance abroad as a professional cello player.

I confess and repent that though i may have enough story ideas to keep telling till i am dead, i am not a good story writer yet. Thanks for reading. It is a lonely path, leave a kind note or tell about your orange building or the unexpected way one of your orange buildings was useful .