shyammonk

a heavy self control freak

very harsh to myself. (“You are too hard on yourself” – says Master)

i think i am inherently wrong and nothing near being alright

i think i cannot be left as i am

i think my ways are always leading to trouble and i live under constant trouble of unknown, unexpected social trouble

Well then i deduct naturally and gracefully that exercising restrains to look in a holy image is just substituting one for the other. It is just repetition of how bad i am, how i am not ‘progressing’, what bad things should be done on me. Does not really look like a good thing to settle with. Does not make my discomforts go away. I just hate myself more and more.

The so called practice goes in one way, while i cheat myself and go another way, pretending that i am making all the ‘progress’ according to ‘them’ and ‘their books’. Well that are them and they? The illusion of the external ghosts living my life.

Why do i expect freedom to come when the above pattern is all that is happening in life? When is that big upside down shift going to happen and how? Not realistic. Just my try to please the difficult to please adult world Buddha.

That is when keeping the body relaxed in spite of suggestions and orders and pokes to change from myself, became an obvious thing to do. To be relaxed is anyway a good way to be. Let me practise what i want i thought. Enlightenment and practice are not different says our dear Dogen. Not even keep a soft abdomen, though that is a good grip.

And it was interesting to find the following in an instruction on how to sit. One way to correct the posture is try to have the ‘correct’ posture. The second way – she asks it very quietly : is it not enough to know how one is sitting. Just to know and not to change.

Looks like afterall one who knows knows and people who can know when they see it or hear it, do so and one may have to go the whole road before all this can happen. Well good for the records, the map and the catalogue.

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