shyammonk

looking back at how i got out of my tendency to be too harsh on myself, tell myself with pain inflicting pleasure how someone did not like me, how i made a fool out of myself, how i am not enough and will never be enough (‘look at me’), how i am obviously inferior and that anyone can see clearly my state or unworthiness.

the change should be a part of a greater realization inside, as part of a collection of proofs in time. i was depressed and i know i have a tendency to think very low of myself – hug the worst case scenario so that i don’t fall, so put myself down so that i don’t bring a situation where i am shown of my lacks and i can’t face oneself. given that, i should think that it was not really my conscious effort that changed the scene. but on the surface this is how the change happened.

on the behaviour level, i started accepting the possibility that it is not true that people think all those silly things about me as if they can read my mind. that it is just my habitual feeling which i don’t have to stick to.

i did not examine the deductions and try to prove it each time. instead, it was remembering in a relaxed way, when the habitual harsh one struck, as a truth that i know.

i can extend this. i can learn from that. i can extend it to my present life. that there is possibility of truth in my ability and skill, that i can trust my judgements more, leave worries about how i will measure up, how my products might be seen by the other.

not proof and logic and underlying frustrating convincings to me by me.

just that ‘chances are’. with a smile as the breeze moves my hair.

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